I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
