we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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