I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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