My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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