Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
