Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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