I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
