pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
