Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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