She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
This is classic penis vs brain.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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