I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
