Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
