Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
