Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Of course I have a pirate flag
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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