i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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