That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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