After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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