you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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