New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
