I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
