I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
