I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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