FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
