Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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