He had one of those small greek statue penises
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
