Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
