I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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