I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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