i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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