Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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