i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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