i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
