Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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