Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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