i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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