Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
