i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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