Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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