My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize