You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
