mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
