Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
