Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
