I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I cannot find my penis.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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