My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
