If that was your dad, he is hot
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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