when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
