Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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