I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
