How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize