the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
