today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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