I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
