You smell like a Billy Joel song
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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