That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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