I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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