I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
cat food counts as protein by the way
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
