I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
